Oh! So You A Weak B*tch: The Lie We Tell Ourselves To "Look" Strong
To know me is to know that I have never been the girl who cries at the drop of a hat, talks freely about what I’m feeling, or even acknowledges the emotions I may experience.
I always believed I had the strength to handle any situation thrown at me and that emotions severely interfered with the logic needed to make rational and thoughtful decisions.
I’m honestly shaking my head as a type this because in hindsight this is utterly ludicrous, but it is a part of my growing process so I have to willingly accept my flaws as they come.
About 2-3 years ago I found myself in such an empty place that I couldn’t seem to get out of.
No matter my best efforts, my feet were stuck in the sands of depression.
It took me ages to come to terms with the word “depression.”
Nothing in my life, at the time, indicated that I would suffer from it; and as someone who thrives on control and understanding, you can imagine how frustrating it was to not have an answer to what I was feeling.
Because I did not understand the root of my emotions, I resorted to suppressing them in hopes that whatever I was feeling would resolve itself over time.
I spent more time and effort lying to myself than I did actively accepting my feelings and emotions as they came.
Throughout my life, I’ve spent so much time and energy building this imaginary emotional wall because I simply did not want to deal with them. I didn't see the need to be vulnerable with anyone, including myself.
To me that was just another sign of weakness, another sign that I wasn’t as strong as I claimed to be, and I’ll be damned if anyone saw me as anything less than strong. In all of this, the irony is that that same wall prevented me from being vulnerable and loving myself when I needed self-love and vulnerability the most.
I have to stop and shoutout Queen Bey for putting me on to her favorite poet, Rumi. An absolute divine and conscious man. I suggest you all read his poetry in The Masnavi I Ma'navi of Rumi.
Rumi once said:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
There’s generally a hint of reality hidden between the truth; and my reality was that I spent so much time building this wall, I never learned how to be vulnerable with myself.
I thought that if I admitted all the negative things about myself that I spent years suppressing, I was somehow less than as a person.
When in reality, that wasn’t the case at all.
What it really boiled down to was shame.
I was ashamed to admit to myself that I didn’t have it all figured out, that I do need help, and that my emotions were valid.
One of the hardest parts of my journey to self-betterment was being 100% vulnerable with me. Sounds weird, I know; but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a challenge.
In order to be happy within myself I had to learn 3 vitals lessons:
1. To love, trust, understand, and communicate my emotions .
2. Be vulnerable enough to accept them as they come.
3. And believe that no matter what shame it may cause me, they are not a negative reflection of the woman I am.
Through much self-reflection, counseling, and acceptance, I found that we must all accept our vulnerability if we wish to live a wholesome life. No matter how scary, uncomfortable, or imperfect that may be.
Coming face to face with vulnerability forces us to expose our hurt, talk about it, and foster an environment for personal, positive growth.
Healing of any kind requires thoughtful and honest self-examination. You must become curious as to why you react (whether positively or negatively) the way you do when triggered.
Vulnerability is synonymous with the beautiful things that make life worth living.
Some ways I have began to be more vulnerable have been:
To share my true feelings with my close friends and or romantic partner. For example, if I am not feeling my best I actually say this.
I cry when I need to instead of trying to hold back the tears. If it makes you feel more comfortable you can do this in the privacy of your own home.
I hug more. Yes I said it. I hug more. Physical touch is a way to be more vulnerable, so if you have a close friend or someone you’re really comfortable with, give them a tight hug and have them do the same to you.
If you want to experience the full spectrum of life, vulnerability is non-negotiable #SelfishBabe.
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This article was written by #SelfishBabe Ify.
Ify is a born and raised NYC native with big dreams and an even bigger taste for creative writing, self-development, and pure happiness. Clinical oncology researcher and (future) MD by day and an avid traveler, wine connoisseur, and blogger by night. She just one girl hoping to inspire conversations on all things controversial, raw, honest, and meaningful.